Saturday, April 24, 2010


A book every mother who has lost a baby should read....

I have learned a lot in the past 2 years.

I wear a pair of shoes that I want to throw out. This pair of shoes will never leave me. I have learned to live with a new "normal", whatever that may be. Each day is a new day filled with love, hope, smiles, laughter,anger, frustrations, tears and sorrow. I have been reading Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You. She wrote a book about her daughter, Audrey, who died shortly after she was born. With Angie's story, she knew that her daughter wasn't going to live, and instead of terminating the pregnancy, she carried her. She carried her daughter so that she and her husband could meet her and let Audrey's sisters meet her. She wears the same pair of shoes I wear. A lot of other mothers wear these shoes, too. And it wasn't until we lost Connor did I realize how many moms have to walk in them. every. single. day. We are all part of a club that noone wants to belong to. A club we all wish we could leave. A club for moms whose babies have died. Reading Angie's story has opened up a whole bunch of emotions that I realized I have been sweeping under the rug. I wake up, put on my happy face, go to work and get through the day. Some days it feels like it's all I can do--get through the day. Another day without my son. Another day trying to feel normal again. Normal. I don't think I will ever know what that's like anymore. I try to be the old me. But something is missing. My sweet boy.
I ask the question everyday. Why. Why me. Why didn't this happen to an unfit mother who was on drugs her entire pregnancy? I know. It's not right. But I feel like I'm still searching for answers. God needed another angel just isn't cutting it for me. I feel like if I knew why this happened, I could find some closure. But I'll never know. All I know is that it happened and I don't think it's fair. Not fair at all. But apparently, life isn't fair. I am pretty sure my parents taught me this at a young age. And I'm just now realizing how unfair it really is.
This isn't a post for you to feel sorry for me or to make someone reading it upset. It's a post for me to get out my anger and frustrations; my feelings (that I apparently haven't been dealing with head on). I've been bottling it up, and I'm afraid if I don't let some of it out now, I'm going to have to pay the price. I want to be a good mom, wife and friend. And I feel like I'm not doing the best job I can do right now. I feel like I'm at the deep end of a pool, on my tiptoes, with my mouth just skimming the surface. I want to be on top, breathing easily.
If only I could turn back time. For another hour to hold and look at him.
Angie listed all of the things that she wouldn't be doing with her Audrey. And it dawned on me...All of the things that Jeremy and I had planned and couldn't wait to do with Connor. We planned for 9 months. He won't say his first words. He won't take his first steps. He won't dip his feet in the ocean for the first time. He won't get to wave to us from the bus on his first day of kindergarten. We won't get to see him score his first goal or point, or win his first race. We won't get to teach him how to drive. We won't send him off to his first prom. He won't become a Boilermaker. He won't get married. And we won't get to meet his grandkids. All of these things that we sat and dreamt about.....all of our hopes.
We have new hopes, new dreams. But it's hard to dream about the future. That constant fear. I can't lose another baby. I can't physically and emotionally do that again. I was ready to hold Mia in my arms from the moment I saw that positive line. It was really hard to get excited though. So I almost feel like she's missing out.... It's not fair to her either. I don't want to plan for everything. I've learned that what you plan, well, it doesn't always work out like you had planned it. I had to learn the hard way. And it totally sucks.
Don't get me wrong from reading this. Mia lights up my life and makes me smile. She has definitely landed a huge spot in this broken heart of mine. She's perfect and exactly what I need. But she makes me miss him more. She makes me wonder about Connor. And this wonder makes me sad.

But this. This beautiful, blue eyed little girl. She makes me so very happy. I can't wait to tell her all about her big brother.

Love you sweet baby girl.


Sara said...

I understand. And I hate that we both know what those shoes feel like.
There will never be answers. We will never know why you are without Connor and I am without Samuel. Why so many mommas are missing their babies.
It is hard. Unbelievably hard. And I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - as I do any momma who has experienced what we have.
Many hugs to you.

Emily S said...

Sending prayers and thoughts to you! I can't imagine what you feel and what you have been through, but know that no matter what we will always be here for you! Love ya, Emily

Ashley said...

Praying for you and your family! I too bought this book and it definetly drums up a lot of emotions.

Mamaw Kim said...

I Love You Mandy

Pemberton Family said...

Mandy, This post was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your heart. I have a friend who recently lost her 5 month old boy to SIDS, I am going to mention this book to her. I have been reading your blog (found from El's) since before Mia was born and your story touched my heart. Mia is adorable.


Lysana said...

Beautifully written. And I am glad you were able to write it, able to get it out. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Connor. And I can see what you mean, that spending time with your precious Mia makes you wonder even more about him.

You have two beautiful babies.

4 Lettre Words said...

Mia is an absolute doll.

Praying for all of you. XO!

Stacey K said...

This was so beautifully written Mandy, it seriously brought tears to my eyes. I hate that you have to walk in those shoes and that no one can ever take them away from you. You are one of the strongest people I know! Keep using this blog as a venue for your emotions, I'm a firm believer that the more you talk the better you'll feel. I will continue to pray for all of you every day as I have been! We miss you guys!!

ourprecious4 said...

Mandy, Amazing how just reading your post said everything that I have been feeling, and more... And at the same time putting words to what I couldnt understand that I was feeling. Loosing our first Child was not easy but when Bella came along I feel like I was a better mom to her... and I totally get what you are saying, feeling like Mia is missing out, I feel that way about Lily and I still dont get why... I really want to plan and Make happen a walk to remember... Hope to talk to you soon! Thinking of you! Praying for you!