I have learned a lot in the past 2 years.
I wear a pair of shoes that I want to throw out. This pair of shoes will never leave me. I have learned to live with a new "normal", whatever that may be. Each day is a new day filled with love, hope, smiles, laughter,anger, frustrations, tears and sorrow. I have been reading Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You. She wrote a book about her daughter, Audrey, who died shortly after she was born. With Angie's story, she knew that her daughter wasn't going to live, and instead of terminating the pregnancy, she carried her. She carried her daughter so that she and her husband could meet her and let Audrey's sisters meet her. She wears the same pair of shoes I wear. A lot of other mothers wear these shoes, too. And it wasn't until we lost Connor did I realize how many moms have to walk in them. every. single. day. We are all part of a club that noone wants to belong to. A club we all wish we could leave. A club for moms whose babies have died. Reading Angie's story has opened up a whole bunch of emotions that I realized I have been sweeping under the rug. I wake up, put on my happy face, go to work and get through the day. Some days it feels like it's all I can do--get through the day. Another day without my son. Another day trying to feel normal again. Normal. I don't think I will ever know what that's like anymore. I try to be the old me. But something is missing. My sweet boy.
I ask the question everyday. Why. Why me. Why didn't this happen to an unfit mother who was on drugs her entire pregnancy? I know. It's not right. But I feel like I'm still searching for answers. God needed another angel just isn't cutting it for me. I feel like if I knew why this happened, I could find some closure. But I'll never know. All I know is that it happened and I don't think it's fair. Not fair at all. But apparently, life isn't fair. I am pretty sure my parents taught me this at a young age. And I'm just now realizing how unfair it really is.
This isn't a post for you to feel sorry for me or to make someone reading it upset. It's a post for me to get out my anger and frustrations; my feelings (that I apparently haven't been dealing with head on). I've been bottling it up, and I'm afraid if I don't let some of it out now, I'm going to have to pay the price. I want to be a good mom, wife and friend. And I feel like I'm not doing the best job I can do right now. I feel like I'm at the deep end of a pool, on my tiptoes, with my mouth just skimming the surface. I want to be on top, breathing easily.
If only I could turn back time. For another hour to hold and look at him.
Angie listed all of the things that she wouldn't be doing with her Audrey. And it dawned on me...All of the things that Jeremy and I had planned and couldn't wait to do with Connor. We planned for 9 months. He won't say his first words. He won't take his first steps. He won't dip his feet in the ocean for the first time. He won't get to wave to us from the bus on his first day of kindergarten. We won't get to see him score his first goal or point, or win his first race. We won't get to teach him how to drive. We won't send him off to his first prom. He won't become a Boilermaker. He won't get married. And we won't get to meet his grandkids. All of these things that we sat and dreamt about.....all of our hopes.
We have new hopes, new dreams. But it's hard to dream about the future. That constant fear. I can't lose another baby. I can't physically and emotionally do that again. I was ready to hold Mia in my arms from the moment I saw that positive line. It was really hard to get excited though. So I almost feel like she's missing out.... It's not fair to her either. I don't want to plan for everything. I've learned that what you plan, well, it doesn't always work out like you had planned it. I had to learn the hard way. And it totally sucks.
Don't get me wrong from reading this. Mia lights up my life and makes me smile. She has definitely landed a huge spot in this broken heart of mine. She's perfect and exactly what I need. But she makes me miss him more. She makes me wonder about Connor. And this wonder makes me sad.
But this. This beautiful, blue eyed little girl. She makes me so very happy. I can't wait to tell her all about her big brother.
